NEW BICYCLE SAFETY INSTRUCTIONS!

If you happen to read the important safety instructions provided with your new purchase, you might notice that they are designed to protect the manufacturer from liability and not to help you.

IMPORTANT SAFETY INSTRUCTIONS!

Read and religiously obey all the following safety instructions or your warranty and legal rights will be suspended!


Congratulations on purchasing your new bicycle! We are pleased that you bought our product, even if you did get it at a discount. As your product was not purchased at a bicycle shop, however, it will be your responsibility to ensure that it is safely and properly assembled, not ours.

In particular note that the bearings, brakes, and derailleurs have not been adjusted, the wheels have not been trued, and anything bolted or otherwise assembled together was just done so in a purely cosmetic way in order to sell the bike and will need proper adjustment and tightening. We also did not grease or lubricate anything in order to protect you from leakage during shipment.

Do not try to assemble, set-up, install, grease, lubricate, adjust, calibrate, repair, reattach, or decorate this bicycle, its wheels, spokes, tires, tubes, fork, frame, cranks, pedals, chain, sprockets, brakes, brake pads, shifters, derailleurs, or any other part unless you have completed a two-year course in bicycle maintenance and have a legally valid and recognized certificate to that effect! Instead, repack all the parts and pieces carefully in the box (we are not responsible for any damage or paint scratches) and take it to a local bicycle mechanic. Or return it to us with a check for $199.99, and we will attempt to prepare it for you (Note: you will still have to pay a local mechanic to install the handlebars and pedals after receiving it from us).

After some competent, liable, and financially responsible mechanic has fully assembled and adjusted your bike and has furnished you with a signed and notarized statement claiming all responsibility in the event of any accident due to mechanical causes (a form is enclosed), you are now free to use your bike, but only if you observe the following safety precautions.

When the bike is properly assembled, you should be able to firmly place both feet flat on the ground while bending the knees. This prevents your falling from either side, provided you remain alert. Do not use any toe clips or straps or other method of fastening the feet to the pedals, as we are not liable under those conditions.

Do not place any of the enclosed plastic bags over your head and then tightly wrap duct tape around your neck to shut out the air. Do not do this to your wife, girlfriend, mother, husband, boyfriend, father, son, daughter, cousin, nephew, niece, uncle, aunt, neighbor, stranger, salesman, bike mechanic, minister, priest, rabbi, or any other person, cat, dog, or any other pet or animal. Using a plastic bag in this fashion may cause suffocation and will void the warranty. Also, do not fill the bags with water, poisonous gasses, liquid cement, solvents, gasoline, etc. to use for the same purpose. Also, do not place a heavy object in the bag and use it to strike any of the above people. Such behavior will void your warranty, and we will not be responsible for damages to you or to them.

Do not place this bicycle or any parts of the bicycle in your mouth or in the mouth of your wife, girlfriend, mother, husband, boyfriend, father, son, daughter, cousin, nephew, niece, uncle, aunt, neighbor, stranger, salesman, bike mechanic, minister, priest, rabbi, or any other person, cat, dog, or any other pet or animal. This bicycle was not intended for such purposes and could injure the soft parts of the mouth. Doing so would again void the warranty.

Be sure to purchase an appropriate helmet before any attempt to use your bicycle. An appropriate helmet is one that transfers all legal responsibility for any accidents to the maker of the helmet from us. In the event of any accident after purchasing your helmet, contact the helmet manufacturer, do not contact us. Be sure to use your helmet whenever you look at your bike, get on your bike, fall off of your bike, or push your bike home.

Do not allow third parties to ride or otherwise use your bike, as they are known to cause nasty third-party suits! Likewise do not use your bike near any third party, such as your wife, girlfriend, mother, husband, boyfriend, father, son, daughter, cousin, nephew, niece, uncle, aunt, neighbor, stranger, salesman, bike mechanic, minister, priest, rabbi, or any other person, cat, dog, or any other pet or animal.

Do not expose your bicycle to sunlight (which will cause the colors to fade), to rain, moisture, or dew (which will cause the chain, frame, and chrome parts to rust), to cold weather (which may cause the frame, tires, and/or seat to crack), or to hot weather (which may cause excessive loss of lubricant and/or tire and tube failure).

Do not attempt to ride this bicycle in your house, on your roof, in a tree, in any body of water, on slick, rough, bumpy, hard, or soft surfaces, on hill or mountain sides, in the woods, on dirt, in the driveway, on the sidewalk, in traffic, or in the street. Operation under any of these conditions voids all warranties and suspends your legal rights to use this machine.

Never ride in the rain, fog, smog, snow, or when the wind is blowing.

Do not attempt to ride whenever people, animals, or vehicles are visible, even at a distance. If people, animals, or vehicles should appear, stop and dismount until they are well out of sight.

Do not attempt to ride on the following days of the week, as statistics have proven a higher accident rate: Mondays, Tuesdays, Wednesdays, Thursdays, Fridays, and Saturdays. Do not ride on Sundays while people are driving to and from church. Do not ride in the mornings before ten o’clock or in the afternoons at all. (NOTE: This is notintended as a recommendation for Christians to skip church. Only ride during church hours if you belong to another faith or if you are willing to burn in hell, in which case, we are not liable. NOTE: The previous note is not intended to be an endorsement of or a criticism of any faith or religion.) Do not ride on any holidays. Do not ride at night.

Do not attempt to ride unless you have taken a complete course in bicycle riding from an approved school (blank application enclosed) and have graduated with a grade of “B” or better. Also, do not attempt to ride unless you have had a full medical check-up and the doctor claims you are in perfect health (form enclosed).

In riding the bike, do not stand on the seat, on the handlebars, on the frame, or on the tires. Also don’t sit on the handlebars, frame, or tires. Instead, sit firmly on the seat, with each foot on the adjacent pedal, and each hand on the adjacent end of a handlebar. Do not attempt to ride standing up, sidesaddle, with your hands crossed, or with your feet crossed. Always sit firmly before starting and always stop before getting off of the seat. Never remove your hands from the handlebars or your feet from the pedals except to catch yourself when falling. Do not talk, whistle, sing, chew gum, drink fluids, eat peanut butter sandwiches, brush your teeth, insert instruments into your mouth or body, gargle, or think about (or look at) the opposite sex while riding the bike. If your bike does not allow you to shift gears without removing your hands from the handlebars, you may shift by stopping, getting off of the bike and far away from any traffic, turning the bike upside down, and slowly cranking the rear wheel while moving the shifter (PLEASE NOTE: While this method prevents physical injury to you, we are not responsible for any damage done to the bike by shifting done in this manner. To avoid voiding the warranty, take the bike to a responsible and liable mechanic and have him shift the gear for you).

In riding the bike, never move faster than five miles per hour, as excessive speeds are highly dangerous and void all warranties and liability. Also never move slower than five miles per hour, as low speeds are highly dangerous and etc.

When riding the bike, always have someone precede you by 50 yards with a red lantern to warn passersby. Also, always have someone follow you at 100 yards with a flashing red light to warn approaching vehicles and a bull horn to alert you of their approach.

Each time after using the bike, have it checked out by a competent mechanic and have him grease and adjust all the bearings and cables.

Remember at all times that a bicycle is a dangerous thing. We were very happy to receive your money, but now that you have purchased the bike, we would greatly prefer that you never use it. Instead think about mounting it on the wall, which has become quite popular and will make your friends perceive you to be a real athlete, which is why you bought the fool thing anyway. We have enclosed a form for an appropriate mounting device (just $199.99!). As an alternative for those who have SUV’s, you might want to buy our roof mount ($299.99) or our bumper mount ($99.99). These attractive mounts will expose your athletic prowess to the world, and the bumper mount might even help protect your SUV in case of an unexpected bump (be sure to read the important safety instructions included with the mounts). However, remember that you are voiding all warranties by using your bike in the sun, snow, wind, or rain. But what the heck, you won’t ever ride the thing, and you can only look young once in your life!

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